HAZARDOUS MATERIALS DATA SHEET
The first dog
Accepted as 80kg, but known to vary from 55kg to 350kg
1. Body surface and face normally covered with hair and sweat
2. Boils when agitated or frustrated - freezes when challenged by a superior specimen
3. Found in various grades ranging from puny material to studly
1. Reacts well to pick-up trucks, feminine shapes, pheromones and apparel
2. Easily distracted and not capable of multi-tasking or asking for directions
3. Turns to putty when any slightly beautiful female specimen is around
1. Fixing things requiring strength, mechanical skill and endurance but requiring little thought
2. Can be an effective body-guard and provider
3. Provider of money, money and more money
1. Turns white when placed alongside a superior specimen
2. Possession of more than one is impossible because they will explode spontaneously upon meeting
WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People, What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $3500. Tux rental-$75. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.
Some Other Observations
�If Sheila, Candy and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Sheila, Candy and Sarah.
�If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .
�When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back..
� When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.
� A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
� A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
�A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
� The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
� A woman has the last word in any argument.
� Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
� A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
� A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
� A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
� A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
� A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
� A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
� Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed..
� Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
�A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
� A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Man's Merit/Demerit System for 2014
All men will attest to some real wisdom in this system. In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!
she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:
You make the
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain. (+8)
But return with beer. (-5)
You check out a
suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet Schnauzer. (-20)
You stay by her
side for the entire party. (+1)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
Named Tina. (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina has breast implants. (-40)
her birthday. (+5)
You buy her a nice present. (+10)
It's a fishing rod. (-50)
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)
A NIGHT OUT:
You take her to
a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
You take her to a chick flick movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)
You develop a
noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)
THE BIG QUESTION:
She asks, "Do I
look fat?" (-5)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
You give any other response. (-20)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what.)
When she wants
to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned
expression. (+2) You listen, for over 30 minutes. (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)